Tag: fear

Birthday Wish to all of you

Posted on by lauraanneayres

“A ship in a harbor is safe, but it’s not what ships are built for.”

Today is my birthday. In the past 10 years of my life, I cannot believe the “outside of the harbor” choices I’ve made. Ironically enough, given the quote’s nautical nature, I do not consider “moving across an ocean” to be one of the most trans-formative choices.

I learned a new language (something one can do anywhere). I changed my career path (you can also do this where you are, and consider that applicable to all below). Together, my parents and I mended conflicts well before it was too late (today, they are two of my closest, most treasured relationships). I maintained a healthy physical lifestyle and weight, which wasn’t easy when I couldn’t walk. I published a book. I became “Aunt LaLa” to the Ayres Little Men and added a new family (my “Henry” carries their family name). I gave my hair to make wigs for children with cancer…four times. I faced, and continue to face, my fears (crippling stage fright and fear of heights). I watched marvelous sunrises in gratitude and walked through challenging sunsets in humility. On this day in 2011, I converted to Catholicism, which was the single-most authentic decision I have ever made.

Perhaps, some of the most trans-formative trips out of the harbor are those we simultaneously fear and welcome? Though we are afraid, we know we truly have to go – into the vast, seemingly-unending expanse. Someone calls and says, “I have the perfect job for you, but it’s in Lichtenstein” or someone writes you an email and begs, “Can you please take in this rescue dog?” or even “Marry me, my love?” Life changes in one … Augenblick.

One of mine happened on January 22, 2016 when I saw and heard a strong heartbeat from a machine in Bern, Switzerland. It took me about a second to process that was his (Christopher Henry) heartbeat. Sometimes, I guess, that second is all it takes to pick up the anchor and set sail. Fear be damned. Best decision I ever made, pulling up that anchor.

I know it’s tough and scary. Many times in the past 10 years, my ship has ventured out into the sea only to return battered and bruised. Heartbroken. Sea voyages can be treacherous and arduous. There are literal ups and downs that either propel you forward or crush you. It’s difficult to leave the comforts of a tranquil and serene harbor. Ah…but, that’s not what ships are built for.

I like to imagine wisdom from my four grandparents, as I push away from the harbor each time. They have four simple rules for each journey.

“Be bold, Lulabelle.”

                                                                 “Be authentic, Sweet Girl.”

                                    “Be brave, Granddotta!”

                             “Be peaceful, Princess Wawie.”

 You can do it, too.

Be bold. Be authentic. Be brave! Be peaceful.

Here I Am, Lord…but, do you REALLY need me?

Posted on by lauraanneayres

At the Episcopal School of Dallas, we used to sing a hymn that had an impact on most of us, regardless of our faith or disbelief. Perhaps, many students struggling with disbelief benefited from it more than I did? Anyway, it is referred to as “Here I am Lord” or sometimes, “I, the Lord of Sea and Sky.”

“Here I am Lord” was written in 1981 by Dan Schutte. It’s based on two passages, but one echoed from the pulpit in my church in Luzern this morning and reminded me of my ESD days: Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.

It’s Isaiah 6:8. It is about a small voice declaring willingness to go. Choose me. Me. I will serve You. I will be brave.

Even when it isn’t convenient. Even when I am comfortable doing what I am doing. Even when I would really, really, really prefer you phone or Tweet or send a pigeon carrier to someone else for this task.

Even when I feel afraid.

In high school, I sincerely questioned this text. What does it mean to say you are ready? To say you will stop what you are doing and live the life God wants you to live?

I’m decades older now and my answer is still the same: “Here I am, Lord. I will go.” I still do not know why I must or how I will, but I know I will always turn my life over to God, if He’s found a use for it.

I sang this hymn at the funeral of my beloved Zachary “We Got Jungle Fever” Bell (ESD, ’97). This was the verse that moved me then and moved me today, as well.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them, They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak My word to them
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

Copyright: Dan Schutte

 

I will go Lord, if You lead me.

 

Last Concert of 2015

Posted on by lauraanneayres

I sang my final concert of 2015 last night.

Last night’s concert was  bittersweet. It ends a year of major transition for me, personally, and I believe last weekend began a new transition for us all, globally. This global transition has changed every time I connect to the internet. As Thomas Paine observed centuries ago, “These are the days that try men’s souls.”

As I sat in my dressing room, there was a knock at my door and a dear friend appeared to be with me before the concert. He remarked about the very same things (both)  I previously mentioned and said there was a very interesting “look” happening for me last night.

“It’s as if there is darkness around you, but there is light inside. Chiaroscuro.”

I agree. (Side note – that made me think of The Grant and Durd. Had to completely redo my makeup.)

“See how there is just a small amount of shadow on the wall? That’s manageable. Easy to overcome with your smile.”

A little Swiss man, who would show up to hear me sing if I opened a grocery store, talked to me after the concert and said the same thing. He told me my smile after the last note, which was something I did quite purposely, made him feel like everything would be okay.

Light. We need light. I was given a Texas-size serving at birth.

(Your pictures are below. Thank you for being with me before that concert. You have remained one of my dearest friends throughout some times when the dark and the light weren’t in such great balance.)

****

There is a great deal of darkness around those of us who are trying to process the current events in a compassionate, concerned, humanitarian way. What do we do? How do we help? Also, how to we protect – ourselves, our children, and our future?

The answer is not to be found in contributing hate speech, bigotry, racism, or darkness. That is unproductive, unnecessary, and inhumane.  As history has shown us, hate feeds on such answers.

Thoughtful, well-educated, serious people sitting together and creating appropriate, targeted, short and  long-term solutions to the problems we face – that is a solution. Marrying prudence with compassion – that is a solution. When force is necessary, tempering such action with a strong eye on the innocents affected by such force and a plan to deal with their future, which we will directly effect. For every child with which I am concerned, there is an aunt/Godmother/LaLa version of me in Syria who is equally concerned with the child she loves.

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Farewell to 2015 – what a wonderful year of some beautiful music. Jackson, I believe my favorite moment of the entire year happened at Transfiguration when we performed “Blackbird.”

Big, bad foreigners – who’s afraid of them (and why the hell are we)?

Posted on by lauraanneayres

It’s human nature to be skeptical about things that are foreign to us.

Western ears traditionally approach the pentatonic scale as something “foreign,” but it’s not foreign to Eastern ears. A short skirt on a woman is highly offensive to someone in one country, but it’s a staple of one’s closet to another. A spicy curry makes my Indian friends reminisce about their family tables, but my Texas hot sauce made one of my Indian friends grab milk out of my fridge. It’s all relative and, sure, it’s all based on things being “foreign” to us, which is human nature.

What begins as human nature becomes something else entirely when we take it a step further.

The action of legislating, calling names, creating hate groups, or even inciting violence…why do we do it? Why do we take it that far? I think it’s because we are constrained by our own myopic sense of what our world is and we are intimidated by that which we do not know or understand. Our world is not white or black. It is not Jewish, Christian or Muslim. It is not East or West. It is not even native or foreigner. Not anymore. It’s global.

Pick any country…I mean, let’s look at the U.S. or Switzerland because both are currently struggling to manage the “foreigners” issue. What’s the real fear? These are spacious countries with majestic lands. Is the fear running out of resources or is the fear running out of “real Americans” or “real Swiss”? Are we really afraid foreigners will take over the United States or Switzerland with their…uh…what exactly? With their…diverse culture, rich history? Yuck. Who wants that? (Me.)

“Foreigners are taking our jobs,” it’s a common complaint. But, is it true? Many foreigners do jobs, in both countries, that “natives” do not want to or are not qualified to do. God willing, that will always be the case. What a shame if the world’s next Rachmaninoff didn’t want to go to the United States because he didn’t feel he was capable of securing a Visa. What a tragedy if the world’s next Einstein decided to stay away from Switzerland because he was concerned about the Quotas.

“Foreigners are bringing religions into this country that are against our country’s true religion.” Really? In general, I am not a huge fan of Leviticus (I actually find it borderline absurd for the most part), but I’ll go ahead and take a stab at interpreting this one…”You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.” Sorry Jews and Christians, that’s us because it’s in the Torah and the Old Testament. So, if you’re on your high horse about getting the foreigners out, I’m afraid you’ll have to dismount.

Think of it this way, as I’ve learned all too well – we are all foreign to someone. Imagine that some foreigners are not out to get you or your job or your house or your anything. Imagine that some foreigners are in your immediate vicinity to work hard, contribute to society, and be at peace. And, if they really love you, share a good recipe for yellow Thai curry (still hoping).

Seriously, though….maybe, you could help them integrate.

Instead of kicking them in the back.

Nutjobs, nutjobs everywhere

Posted on by lauraanneayres

Everyone had an gut reaction to the news about Charlie Hebdo. I thought it was a mistake. It was the same feeling I had when I heard of the plane flying into the World Trade Center. It’s the same feeling I have when I watch Terms of Endearment and Emma dies. “That didn’t really happen, someone made a mistake. Rewind it and listen again.”

Because I live in a parallel universe – things like that don’t actually happen.

These things are horrific (yes, even Emma’s death). Two of them involve evil. My faith in humanity and the goodness of every person makes evil a terrifying topic that I still, to this day, cannot believe is real. My faith is strong and, I promise you, tolerant.

And, I am sick and tired of listening to people tear religion apart. Immediately after the attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo,  FB posts purported the trite and cliche statement, “I dislike religion.” So, on Saturday, I posted “I think people who say they dislike religion are silly.” It wasn’t the adjective I wanted to use. I wanted to say “ignorant.” Just as you are entitled to tell me you have a blanket dislike of religion, I am entitled to say your words are ignorant. As I asked someone, “how much do you know about Zoroastrianism, for example?” Attended two Bahai ceremonies and just didn’t like the buffet selections? That makes sense.

The same night of this FB exchange, I had dinner with a friend and her husband, who is Pakistani and comes from a Muslim household. Though he is now an atheist, he said, “who am I to say religion is bad or stupid? If someone has cancer and his faith helps him to get out of bed and keep going every day, well, that’s a good thing.” I thought that was one of the most profound things I’ve heard in a discussion about faith. A Catholic Buddhist and a former Muslim now atheist – totally different faith structures, parallel thinking.

And there is parallel thinking with all the terrorists groups. It’s not religion that unites them, it’s a desire, almost a thirst, to commit acts of terrorism. Sure, there are excuses about the men and women who join these terrorist organizations having felt like lepers in their pre-terrorist lives – cast out of society. They felt they didn’t belong and then someone came along and said, “you can have a family with us.” Oh, poor little terrorists didn’t get picked to play Four Square in 4th grade, so let’s kidnap, rape, murder, and humiliate others. How sad. This is age-old, mafioso stuff, but, again, it’s not religion that unites them. It’s a desire to destroy and to kill to attain power – that’s not “religious.” That’s a sickness in the soul.

What is the answer to combat the terrorist groups? Like many, the temptation to limit free speech seems plausible to me, until we remember that free speech really oughten have limitations because then it’s not exactly “free,” is it? Bit like a free ticket to the movies that you can only use to see bile-inducing Twilight movies. Also using violence to combat violence didn’t seem to work out well in most cases (“An eye for an eye will make the world go blind” Gandhi’s pointed that out a bit more eloquently). The truly important thing to remember about eradicating terrorism is…that we cannot.

There will always be nutjobs. Some of them are violent with weapons and some of them are violent with words. These people will always find each other (just look at Congress). I’ve found, there is one solution to this problem that will work. It will work if your life is in danger, it will work if someone you love is killed. It will work when your country is attacked, it will work when your country is attacking.

It goes like this:

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

It is the hidden verse of Amazing Grace. It says that we have done our best, we were committed to sucking the marrow out of life, and we used our lives to spread principles like tolerance, kindness, and acceptance. We take our lives not for granted, but for the gift that they were at birth and can be until we die. And there are those unique cases, like those who worked in the office at Charlie Hebdo in Paris, whose lives are gifts even after they die.

Amazing Grace – how sweet the sound.

Fear and Yogeet’s opinion on it

Posted on by lauraanneayres

Since Monday around 10:30AM, I have been riddled with fear. Something bad happened to me on Monday morning and fear took over. Those of you who’ve seen me since then (minus Liv, who saw me ugly cry after it happened) will be surprised it’s so bad. I’ve been my “normal” smiling, perky self.

Today, my schedule cleared up and I knew it. I must get to Yogeet (referred to as my “Indian healer” on this blog and my FB page). But there was serious fear because of what happened Monday. I won’t say how, but I got to Yogeet this morning.

What I happened at Yogeet’s changed me forever. There will be upcoming days and nights when I feel anxiety, but I do not think I will feel fear again.

After about an hour, I told Yogeet a Jewish story I’d heard about Death. A man lives in a village and hears Death is coming. He’s scared, so he leaves his home and goes to another village to avoid Death. He gets to the new place, there’s a knock on the door, and it’s Death. “Wasn’t looking for the place, I was looking for the person. It’s your turn, buddy.”

Yogeet listened. Then, he said, “I have a similar story.”

Shiva is a popular god in Hinduism. He is usually adorned with serpents and wears nothing except a cloth of tiger fur covering his “his”dom. The rather disturbing planet of justice, Saturn, was apparently headed for Shiva one day. Most people are afraid of Saturn’s justice and so was Shiva. In fact, Shiva was scared shiv-less, so he decided to go into the river. He created a shield for himself and stayed in the river for 7 ½ years, to avoid being touched by Saturn’s version of justice. After 7 ½ years, Shiva emerges from the river and confronts Saturn. “I did it. You didn’t get me.” Saturn’s response, “You kept yourself from your home, your life, and your entire world based on your fear of justice. Who won? Me or You?”

Okay, I’m paraphrasing Yogeet’s words (which I also might have baffled) and I am certainly far from the “proper” telling of this. I don’t think they refer to Shiva’s “his”dom, for example.

But this story changed me. It is one thing to feel anxious and nervous. It is another thing entirely to be so afraid that you live a life dominated by your fear of anyone, anything, or any possibility.

That is not a life.

I will try to write more about this later because I truly was changed today. But, what I can say is that I am on the train headed HOME. To my home. And on Sunday, my knees will bend and I will pray my weekly prayer AT MY CHURCH. My church. As I do every Sunday, I will repeat the same prayer, “Thank you for giving me strong legs, a strong spirit, and a strong heart.”