Tag: chaos

The Rollercoaster’s Lesson

Posted on by lauraanneayres

Ups and downs. Tension and release. We rise, we fall…only to rise again.

How do we process the curve balls? When it was time to say “goodbye” to Wyatt Walter on Sunday, he burst into tears. What do I say when the blue eyes of one of my favorite things on this planet fill with tears that are my doing? We won’t see each other for one year, I can’t change it. What do I do to make it better? He wears a cross that says “WYATT LALA,” but I know it’s not enough for him. He needs hugs. (So do I.)

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How do we process the high-as-a-kite moments? I received keys today. They unlock a future – a life – a chance for a career, love, happiness. How do I take it in stride when there are a million Nadia Comāneci-butterflies doing somersaults in my stomach? I’m feeling excited about my future in a way that feels almost selfish. So many of my friends and family members are struggling and I am feeling only excited about what comes next. Shall I instead say “cautiously optimistic”?

That’s step two for me. How do I ride the rollercoaster, this time, without feeling broadsided by the downs? In this current apartment and this current life (both of which I will be shedding tomorrow), I have learned how to deal with despair. It was the hardest lesson.

I lost both of my “God”fathers here. I lost Granddaddy. I lost L and fled to Luzern for 2 weeks. I lost him again. I lost him a third time. I lost Hope. I lost it again. I lost it again (7 times, in total). I met the Csendes family. I said goodbye to them. I welcomed them. I said goodbye to them again. Ups and downs. Over and over again.

I learned a hard, but valuable, lesson – my Faith is stronger than my Hope. Faith is in the air. If I am breathing? (and, according to the paramedics, I wasn’t at one point in this apartment)…Faith is refilling me with what I need to take another breath, another step, another journey.

There will be a day when the blue-eyed, 8-year-old is visiting his Aunt LaLa (technically, he calls me “Wala” because it combines both of our names) in Switzerland. There will be a day when what seems “full of wonder” is a bit clouded by the harsh and not-so-picturesque reality of law school. I’ll find a way to take the Rollercoaster’s exciting journey the way this guy does…That’sLifebythePro

Being real, even when it’s hard – UPDATE

Posted on by lauraanneayres

“My life is amazing now. Please, do not come back into my life with drama and chaos again.”

More or less, that’s what I said 12 days ago. Actually, I think it is verbatim what I said.

So, why did Drama run his happy ass to my door, while Chaos sprayed “Liar Spray” all up in my face on a lovely Saturday afternoon in Switzerland? Hmm? Why?

Because it had to be.

It was in line with what was happening the entire time. I just didn’t know.

Lies, drama, and chaos were the bedrock of our relationship the entire time because he was lying about something as fundamental as “I always want to do the right thing.” All this deceit is painful to recall; but, now, because of his email last Monday (I still cannot believe he emailed me), I know the truth. Endlich. (And although, I didn’t lie or create chaos, my life situation sure as hell was dramatic. He is not alone in that responsibility.)

What I’ve learned in the past 7 days hasn’t been easy, and there is a lot more to learn. However, a few lessons include:

  • A man that is uninterested in or allergic to acts of basic human kindness is not a man that I need to invite into my heart.
  • People in my life are in my life because they are good people. If they don’t like a man I am seeing? I need to pay attention instead of making excuses (again).
  • I am naïve and I am gullible. Because I am 39, and not 9, that is probably not something that I can change (do I want to?). Thus, I need to refer to numbers 1 & 2 if I ever decide to date again (big “if”).
  • If I ask someone “not to come into my life with drama and chaos again,” I already know what will happen. People aren’t constantly confronted with those things in their relationships, when they are with healthy people.

The comments, particularly the nicknames about him (I particularly liked “utter turd of a creature” PS- I love the way Brits use “turd”), did entertain me, mainly because I’ve never seen him that way! Until I read his words of truth. Read them…in an email. (So, “utter turd” does somewhat to fit.)

But, honestly? There’s no need to demonize or vilify him. It just gives him power and strength he doesn’t deserve (and never demonstrated).

I don’t think he likes himself all that much. That’s sad, I think we can all agree. My prayer is that he will stop being the “bad guy” and be the “super Catholic” he purports to be. He should strive to become the hero of his own story.

Like I am. Because I…well…I’m gonna kick the ass of my own life and give myself one hell of a great story.

Stay tuned (pun intended).

(Sorry I don’t publish all the comments, but I don’t normally publish comments unless I know the person in my daily life, as y’all know. But, thanks for all your sweet messages and comments.)

Searching for Peace? It’s on sale here – free of charge.

Posted on by lauraanneayres

“I just want peace. I will cut anyone out of my life, read any book suggested, go to any altitude. I need it,” I realized how semi-pathetic and semi-psychotic I sounded as soon as I said it. I also realized I was farther away from peace than I’d ever been. How did I get here? 

This is part of a pretty great scene in the second book about finding peace.

Daniel is one of those perpetual peace seekers. It’s ironic because, as Pos says about Daniel in the book,  “Idiot will break both his bloody legs to locate what he believes is the nearest well of free-flowing nirvana.”

Peace. We all want it. How do we get it?

I think peace is about living in the chaos. Look at the verb! It’s not “surviving” or “ignoring” or “getting through.” No! Not good enough.

Peace is about living in the chaos. Being present, being humble, being aware, being authentic. In the chaos.

If you are a person living life fully, you will be in the middle of chaos at least once a day – a busy train, a meeting with 20 people talking over each other, a girlfriend screaming at you because you didn’t put the seat down. As if a daily round of chaos wasn’t bad enough, it could be worse than that. You could be in constant chaos because your company is failing, a loved one is gravely ill, a relationship is teetering on the brink of collapse, you are being kicked out of your home, etc.

So, you stand in the middle of this chaos and it’s usually when we hear you scream, “I just want peace!”

“You find your peace in the chaos,” Pos said. “You stand inside it and you make the choice to be who you are, express who you are, and live in that chaos. That’s peace.”

Is it possible that it’s simpler than we make it? Everyone I know tells me, “LA, I just want peace in my life.” Asking me how to find peace is a bit like asking Paris Hilton to explain the Theory of Relativity; but, I’d like to give it a whirl (pun intended).

I really don’t think you need to do ancient Chinese deep breathing, hire a life coach, hike to a remote village void of humans, or take a pill the size of Texas.

Try this instead – be yourself. If everything around you is collapsing, remember who you are. Express yourself however you need to do that – speak up, don’t speak, breathe, sing, dance, laugh, cry. Don’t just survive the chaos, stand inside it, knowing and showing who you are. Could it be that embracing the chaos and living in it will bring you more peace than constantly fighting against chaos in search of peace? Chaos is inevitable. Could we make peace the same?

Here’s the most important thing. Did you make a mistake that contributed to the chaos? Easy fix. Say it clearly, quickly, humbly, and non-emotionally, “I am sorry” and you just might find yourself…at peace.