Need a good laugh? Read this.

Running thoughts during a German Certification 6-hour test I know I will fail

(Typed into my computer from 9AM-4PM and transferred directly to this post.)

It’s 9:00AM- ten minutes before the test starts- Q&A time

Girl 1 asks- “Does anyone have a pen I can borrow?” (I think of Rich, who would say, “I do. It’s at my home, which is in Zug. Go get it.”)

Girl 2 asks- “Can I use my dictionary?” (I think of Liv, who would say, “No, but I will throw it at your face.”)

Guy asks moderator a question that has been answered, twice, and is also answered in large letters on the board. (I think of Chris, who would respond as the moderator by writing the following on the board “k”)

Reading part of test (only part I know I will ace)

I finished that part of the test 30 minutes early. There was a section on what will happen to Switzerland in 2030 if there are such tough immigration laws.

I think made around 90% (27/30) on this part. I am exhausted and my eyes hurt from a week of constant crying. I want to check what Marten said about “Recipe” in German because I already forgot. I don’t want to turn on my phone because people b straight trippin in this hood aiight?

This might be a good time to study since I haven’t in one week. Instead of studying? I am writing these notes.

A guy from the test just asked me what I thought of the test. In German, I told him it was a big party in my head. He laughed.

Hearing part of test (hope I don’t zone out) starts now, it’s 11:00 and it feels like it’s only been 45 minutes.

Hearing part is over. I was doing really well until I, of course, totally zoned out in the middle of the part that is only played once. I never have trouble…con…concentra…concen…right. I think I only got 70% right (21/30).

I zoned out because the guy sitting two rows in front of me reminded me of Fuschli which made me remember Fuchsli and think about his death last week. Why did this happen? Before I started to ugly cry, I heard the little bells saying that dialogue was over. Whatever.  “Mach neut.” It doesn’t matter.


Break time for 30 minutes. Again, don’t care to study. Can’t focus anyway. Will anyone see if I turned on one of the Essex episodes?

The proctor of the exam just walked past me. She has a cool green skirt on.

The first two parts (reading and hearing) were the easiest. Next? Writing. That’ll be fun.

I should be like the idiot that asked if we can use a dictionary. I’ll ask, “Excuse me, my internet connection isn’t working. How do I use Google Translate?”

Writing part (hell)


That was fun. I have two hours to kill so I am hiding in a Starbucks. The weird guy from breaktime asked me if I wanted to go to Kennedys, which is next door. Uh…no.

In section one of writing, I wrote an email to Liv, I wrote a Zeitung opinion about Luzern needing to be named the capital of Switzerland because it was so pretty, and another email this time to my new employer, Dickie Wasserhaus (not kidding) at UBS. I told him that I am looking forward to my new job and thanked him for hiring me even though I speak horrible German.

I thought number one was the most real, number two was the most charming, and three was the most butt-kissing. All three of them were very me. I wish I had a copy of them.

I think I’ll drink a shot of something. The next part is the spoken thing.

AUGH-I TURNED ON MY PHONE TO CHECK MESSAGES, which was a huge International mistake.

Back at the testing place for the spoken part (double hell)

Before the spoken part, I was so shocked at the nonsense going on around me that I ran, head first, into a closed, glass door. With a full cup of Latte Macchiato.

I am sitting on the floor looking at the door, texting Liv, and crying/laughing my ass off.IMG_1451


Spoken part was ridiculous. My head was aching because I ran into the door, I talked about the following topic (again, not joking): “Do you think the Internet is a good source for factual information?”

When we walked out of the test room, the moderator looked at the door (still dripping with my coffee) and tsked. “Someone should clean this up, what is this?”

“Stimmt! Wie schrecklich!” I agree, how horrible.

To add a few brownie points I told her I liked her skirt.

Don’t think it worked, we’ll see.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Damen und Herrn, that is how you fail a German test.

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