Author: lauraanneayres

From Emily to Daniel—Christmas Card

Posted on by lauraanneayres

lauraanneayres's avatarThe World of Before You

Superlatives. “The best.” “The most handsome.” “The funniest.” “The smartest.”

You are my superlative, Lion. My precious, pain in the ass, difficult, challenging, beloved Lion.

The world may see you as average. I see you as extraordinary.

The world may see you as funny. I see you as absolutely hysterical.

The world may see you as smart. I see you as brilliant.

The world may see you as unfocused. I see you as making your own path on the highest level.

The world may see you as unambitious. I see you as achieving greatest that is unattached to fiduciary gain.

The world may see you as commitment-phobic. I see you as a pure-hearted pilgrim.

The world may see you as merely attractive. I see you as the most handsome.

The world may see you as somewhat something. I see you as the most everything.

Why? Because.

You are my superlative.

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To my nephew (age 8) for the future

Posted on by lauraanneayres

Tonight, I tried to help you find rest because it was bedtime. You didn’t want to sleep. Perhaps, you wanted more time to talk, you wanted more back tickles from me & Mommy, or you wanted a goodnight kiss from Daddy? Only you really know.

But, your Aunt La La looked at your bedside table and saw something – you have a clock. It has an alarm.

In the blink of an eye, you will be an 18-year old. You will be in college, waking yourself up with an alarm clock. Maybe you went to a big party the night before and you’re thinking, “nobody will notice if I skip.” They will. Wake up. Go to class. Even when it’s hard.

You will be 28 years old. An alarm clock will encourage you to pull your body out of bed every day. Do it. Even if you are pulling your body out of bed for something you are not sure about. Pull your body out of bed until you are 100% certain it’s not for you. Keep looking and keep waking up early…grab that time to figure out what you want to do. It’s quiet in those early hours.

You will be 38 years old. An alarm clock will sound and you will already be awake because there will probably be a baby, dog, or spouse that woke you up. That alarm clock will be the “third” wake up. Wake up. It’s not a joke. This is is your life. Remember, if you are not happy now, you will be someday because these years are difficult for almost everyone. Call me from the car. I’ll make you laugh and remind you about why you are an amazing dude.

You will be 48 years old. An alarm clock will be an annoyance because you want to set it, but you’ve not really needed an alarm clock since your first kid was born. (Hell, you never needed an alarm clock, Wyatt Walter. You were always awake by 7:15 at the latest.) Stretch your legs, which might creak from time to time, and hit the ground. It could always be worse – you could have nothing to wake up for. Remember that.

You will be 58 years old. I doubt they will have alarm clocks.

The time will fly by and I didn’t need an alarm clock to remind me. So, if you need me to look for an overdue library book, a monster under your bed, more minutes to give you back tickles? You got it. We are not on a clock…it doesn’t matter how old you are. I’ll always look for the book, monster, or your back. I’m your Aunt La La.

When a family fractures

Posted on by lauraanneayres

My family is not unique. Well, we are. But, we are not unique in the following sense.

Within a mere 3 months in 2010, two cataclysmic evens occurred – a Death and a Divorce. (I’d copyright that “title,” but no one would dare want it.) Those “big ticket” events that occur in families tend to make a family pull in tighter or begin to find other ways to find that “good family feeling,” as I refer to it.

We did the latter.

One of us moved to another country. One of us fostered children. One of us became the “go to” for anyone in Dallas that needed a runny nose wiped. One of us moved out of one burden to buy another equally heavy burden. One of us retreated entirely. Running away from what we’d lost.

Having returned to this family after many years, I find a family that is fractured, and not doing as well. One of us is overworked (no, two). One of us is underutilized. One of us is feeling left out. One of us is feeling too much pressure. All of us have one thing in common: we are not happy.

Traditionally, this would be the point when, like an old, beautiful carriage house in University Park, someone would bring in a demolition crew and bring it down. Replace all the old family members with new shiny ones (with new shiny DNA that doesn’t know the history).

But, there was a long-standing tradition from half of the “death” about how we, as a family, handle issues like a fracture. I can hear him now. “Granddotta, get in the car, just like we always used to do, and go to the beach. All of you need to put down your worries and be togethuh (Virginia accent).”

Sometimes, when a family fractures, the only glue that can bring it together is time and traditions. Time to heal some deep, fresh wounds. Time together to make some new memories that will replace the old, painful ones.

And, when the foundation of that old carriage house was built by generations of family-loving Texans and Virginians, that’s something. Traditions is something that even a fracture or a demolition can’t destroy.

It’s worth it to try to put the fracture together and there are four reasons…W…C…A…and G. The next generation doesn’t deserve to be without their family’s strong foundation.

Transfiguration is a 64-color box of Crayons

Posted on by lauraanneayres

Lots of people in the past few weeks have been talking to me about The Fig. Due to the “lack of that one Ayres kid livin’ overseas,” I am getting the question, “did you forget about us?”

Instead of a simple “no,” I thought I’d write about my thoughts on this place that I’ve always secretly believed was God’s favorite “chill zone”: The Episcopal Church of the Transfiguration.

My first ever memory is actually my baptism. I remember stepping into the aisle and seeing Father Paul. I was 3. My first singing memory is similar. I also remember stepping into that same aisle 3 years later and singing “Once in Royal David’s City.”

On the flip side, I remember stepping into that aisle after a rather heated private prayer session at age 16, when I told God I wasn’t buying what He was selling anymore. At age 33, I remember stepping into that aisle, genuflecting, and exiting the church as we said “goodbye” to everything that was Life with Granddaddy.

So, I got history. Here’s just a glimpse at what The Fig taught me…so far…as I sit below the Bell Tower and write this.

* If you treat this world and the people and things in it as you want to be treated, you’ll be doing your best. If you do anything less than that, you will be doing less than your best.

*Different isn’t just “okay.” Different is good. Be different because that’s what makes you who you are and that’s who we like…YOU. Not a version of you. We want the actual child of God named Laura. Good, bad, chunky, not chunky, laughing, crying, working here, working for the diocese, working for the national church, singing, acolyting, LEMing, or doing nothing at all. We want that girl. The whole thing, the thing God created.

*You were born a child of God. Even when you make a big mistake your senior year of high school with your best friend, this church will love both of you. Why? Because of this word “agape.” We have it for you and so does God. Remember that love we’ve shown you and show it to others.

*If you ever feel like you don’t fit in, come to The Fig. You always fit in here because everyone fits in here.

*God’s gonna take care of that whole “judging people” thing. Not your job. Not even when you think you know the best way to do things. When you are judging people, look at that first thing you learned, regroup, and say “I’m sorry.”

So, here’s my adult take on why I would never forget about The Fig and all it’s lessons.

The best boxes of crayons have lots of colors. There are lots of shades of red. Tons of blues. Some crayons have barely been used and others are so worn they are only stubs. Some are broken and I dip ’em in a bit of hot water, reshape ’em, and they are good as new and purposeful again. Maybe a few are missing their labels, but I don’t care about that anyway. Together, we’ll make our own names! When I have a box of crayons with all those colors, I feel lucky and make certain I take good care of it. I would never wish to have only green, red, blue, and yellow. Why would I want that? And, for God’s sake, I cannot fathom taking crayons out of the box by choice. Never. However, I can easily imagine needing more space for all my new crayons and coming up with new ways of drawing to make sure every crayon is able to shine.

The Fig – a box of 64 crayons. Remembering the primary colors that made us all who we were and adding new shades every day. But the outside of the box will always say the same thing, “All are Welcome.”

It doesn’t matter where I live, where I worship, what language I am speaking, or what I am doing with my life. I mean, how in the world could I forget such a place or…such beautiful crayons?

I don’t just say it, people

Posted on by lauraanneayres

I am constantly pushing people to focus on the positive and live lives centered around gratitude.

This is a time when I am really struggling to do that. The moments that are wonderful are wonderful at 100-strength power. The moments that are not wonderful are many and they are really not wonderful, and those guys are battling for my attention.

So, I have to sit in this moment (and others) and remember how lucky I am to be:

1) alive

2) well-educated

3) aware of how much I have (not talking about “things” or “money”)

4) and, here’s a new one after having visited the Middle East (albeit briefly), lucky to have been born a woman in the United States

Around this time last week, I was living through my worst nightmare. What did I do? I went through my list. But, I had about 26 hours and 17 minutes left, so…I improvised.

I focused on meeting my nephews for the first time and seeing my sister as a mother. I thought about GJ and kind eyes. I’d made a video in my church, so I watched that. I sang “Be Thou my Vision” a few times.

How would it feel when I saw my brother’s face after 4 1/2 years? What about when I’d walk into my mother’s new home? Hey, I’d finally have a ‘rita with Cah. I could see Kelley teaching yoga. I could play with Wyatt and Cooper instead of watching them over a computer screen. For God’s sake, I could finally meet all these precious little Auntie LaLa babies that have been born, prayed for, and loved from afar.

Why am I like this? I don’t know. My Kenyan friend says I am a “light bringer,” born that way. I think I choose it. Because I remember waking up in the hospital room at Triemli in Zürich in September of 2013. It was dark, and I was alone. I knew I’d been brought to the hospital because I couldn’t walk, hell I couldn’t even hold my own head up. I knew, even if I called L…he wouldn’t come. There was no one and nothing to get out of that bed for. It was so dark.

Clearly, I only had one choice.

I had to choose the light.

To reach inside, throw open the windows and get fresh air in. I’m a human being, so it’s easy for me to focus on the reasons why I “can’t do” or why I “don’t want to” or why I “really shouldn’t” but what the hell does that contribute? More darkness. And, I just, as Cooper says in the cutest little British accent, “I just caaaaahn’t.”

So, again, I don’t just say this stuff…I do it. I try. Be a light bringer. I promise, it’s a better life, even when life is tough.

And speaking of “light bringers”…

CSA birthday surprise 2015
CSA birthday surprise 2015

Guest blogger: the one, the only Mark Manson “Love is Not Enough”

Posted on by lauraanneayres

The blog was written by Mark Manson (original blog post and tons of other amazing posts can be found through this link)  Mark, I’m so appreciative you’d let me share your post with my peeps.

There are many people who need this blog (not that I would know anything about that because I am the poster child for “I seek out only healthy, meaningful relationships focused on respectful reciprocity at all times”) because it does bring the truth into the light. It’s not about shaming anyone, anything, or any previously-held notion of how-to. It’s raw, honest, and real.

So, read. Enjoy. Go to Mark’s website and tell him how fabulous he is (both as a man and as a writer). Then find him on FB Twitter and anything else for which he rightfully deserves followers.

As is usually the case, I probably won’t publish your comments, but I’m happy to pass them along to Mark (or you can, on the original post).

Love is Not Enough

In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called, “All You Need is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.

One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

Three Harsh Truths About Love

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate:

1. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, but it’s true.

When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I’ve seen or people have emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion — they felt that “spark” and so they just dove in head first. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And then six months later, when she’s throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he’s praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation, they look around and wonder, “Gee, where did it go wrong?”

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general. Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you…well, as the ski instructor from South Park once said, you’re going to have a bad time.

2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

And every time we fought, we’d come back to each other the next day and make up and remind each other how crazy we were about one another and that none of those little things matter because we’re omg sooooooo in love and we’ll find a way to work it out and everything will be great, just you wait and see. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the point where we couldn’t even communicate that effectively. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, love conquers all, right?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg being doused in jet fuel. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: while love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.

The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more valid than the one before, but unless there’s a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.

3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.

But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.

The Friendship Test

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.

But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?

Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”

I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyway.

But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he’s still “between jobs,” he trashes the house while she’s at work, gets angry if she doesn’t cook dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she’s “spoiled” and “arrogant.” Oh, and he still ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She idealized love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled relationship compatibility. It didn’t. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. It didn’t. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.

And the truth is, it won’t.

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton’s acting career.

Or another situation: a man’s girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to make sure he wasn’t tempted by other women. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could see it wearing on his self-esteem. His self-worth dropped to nothing. She didn’t trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.

Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he’s in love!

Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

The GOP just lost my respect

Posted on by lauraanneayres

I mean that sincerely. Until recently, I was open to voting for a GOP candidate. I consider(ed) patriotism and patriotic intent one of the crowning jewels of the Grand Old Party and patriotism is something upon which I place a high value. I voted, primarily, as a liberal (thinker), which allowed me the luxury of choosing candidates based on personal ideology and not party affiliation. Patriotism has always influenced my voting pattern.

Which is why I will no longer consider a GOP candidate at any level. Too bad, because I was one of those “good gets” for a GOP candidate – socially liberal, fiscally conservative.

But, the Republican partisan politics have reached a new low. We now have sitting members in Congress, elected by their constituents to focus on the best interests of the American people, writing to the leader of a foreign nation in open and direct defiance of the President of the United States. Just weeks before, these same “team players, we are all Americans” invited a foreign leader to take the Congressional podium, again in direct defiance of the expressed orders of the President.

This is more than (notice I said “more than” clearly implying that these acts could be constituted as…) insubordination, dereliction of duty, abuse of power, or treason. This is highly problematic for the United States on two levels.

First, this is a profound display of weakness to foreign nations. By essentially overriding the will of the executive branch publicly, the legislative branch makes our Commander-in-Chief appear compromised and unable to demand the support of his own countrymen, all of whom, by the way, swore an oath of allegiance.

Second, more reaching in its harmful scope in my opinion, this public dissension and breach of protocol by the GOP represents a fundamental break in the governmental structure of checks and balances (separation of powers). Each branch fundamentally has its own responsibilities in regard to this country’s well being. When one branch (read here: Legislative) works in direct, public, global defiance of another branch (read here: Executive), Americans suffer. Partisan politics and manipulations born by a few dozen men and women creep in like a silent killer and slowly eat at the fabric of our republic.

Guess who should know all of this better than a 6th generation, opera-singing, blond Texan? The self-described “patriots,” defending our Constitution, Lady Liberty, and God-blessed United States.

All of you lost my vote and my respect. For those GOP leaders who stayed silent, I can only say what Jed Bartlett would probably say in this moment, “Qui tacet consentire videtur.”

In search of Audrey

Posted on by lauraanneayres

There is a small village in the Romandie (the French-speaking part of Switzerland) that I must visit. As most of you know, I visit small villages in Switzerland largely to share with others via social media or my books how amazing this country is. But, this visit is different.

Years ago, Audrey Hepburn’s final home chose her, the same way this beautiful country chose me years ago; however, I didn’t know this Hepburn fact until this past week, when I learned it by happenstance. As I told Pierre Beret (clearly, I don’t remember his name, just the lovely Swiss-French accent), I remember her from two things, one of which is her simple, straightforward rendition of “Moon River.” It has enchanted me since I was a child.

“We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend, my Huckleberry friend, Moon River and me.” By the way, that’s one of the greatest lines of all time, in my humble opinion (lyrics by Johnny Mercer and music by Henry Mancini).

Though it is truly one of my favorite songs, my other memory of her is the Audrey Hepburn I saw in a photo in the early 90’s holding children in Somalia. I remember the article said she did this amazing work to pay forward the kindness she was shown as a child during and after the war. So, her gratitude for the innate kindness of others is the reason she carried the title of UNICEF Ambassador from 1989 until her death? Exemplary.

Getting back to Switzerland for a moment, I can say one thing with certainty. When one full-heartedly adopts Switzerland as one’s home, it is painful to have to leave for any reason or any duration of time. This country’s majestic mountains, breathtaking lakes, cultural depth, peaceful anonymity – one feels somewhat lost under the glittering stars, even midday.

(Perhaps, it should be noted, very few people feel the way I do about Switzerland. Not even the Swiss people.)

Pierre Beret told me, during my stalled train ride from Lausanne, that Ms. Hepburn had a similar, deep love, enthusiasm, and appreciation for this country. My “enthusiasm,” which most people say is “obsession,” is what sparked our conversation, I was going on and on about how much I love Switzerland, like I always do.

During the final months of her life, though aware she was losing her battle with cancer, she left her beloved home, in the Alpine paradise, time and time again. She still wanted to help. To bring hope, joy, sunshine, and goodwill, so she packed her bags and continued to travel around the world on behalf of UNICEF.

That self-sacrifice required a great deal of character, sense of purpose, and strength. It’s truly inspirational to me because I would be hard-pressed to say “yes” to the promise of 10 million dollars if I would agree to leave Switzerland for at least one week every year. I’m not kidding.

Naturally, what is interesting to most people about her are the films, I certainly understand that. She was a truly unique and remarkable actress. But, I find her love of this great nation, her devotion to helping the impoverished and imperiled children in this world, and her desire to raise her own children in such a peaceful, promising place…I find that interesting.

Anyway, for the lady that shared my love for this country and helping women and children in need – white rose it is. Exquisite ladies who love Switzerland deserve my most exquisite tribute.

I wish I had the contact information for the sweet, chain-smoking older gentleman that told me these stories. Pierre Beret, if you do read this, please write to me? I promise to treat you to a coffee the next time.