I don’t just say it, people

I am constantly pushing people to focus on the positive and live lives centered around gratitude.

This is a time when I am really struggling to do that. The moments that are wonderful are wonderful at 100-strength power. The moments that are not wonderful are many and they are really not wonderful, and those guys are battling for my attention.

So, I have to sit in this moment (and others) and remember how lucky I am to be:

1) alive

2) well-educated

3) aware of how much I have (not talking about “things” or “money”)

4) and, here’s a new one after having visited the Middle East (albeit briefly), lucky to have been born a woman in the United States

Around this time last week, I was living through my worst nightmare. What did I do? I went through my list. But, I had about 26 hours and 17 minutes left, so…I improvised.

I focused on meeting my nephews for the first time and seeing my sister as a mother. I thought about GJ and kind eyes. I’d made a video in my church, so I watched that. I sang “Be Thou my Vision” a few times.

How would it feel when I saw my brother’s face after 4 1/2 years? What about when I’d walk into my mother’s new home? Hey, I’d finally have a ‘rita with Cah. I could see Kelley teaching yoga. I could play with Wyatt and Cooper instead of watching them over a computer screen. For God’s sake, I could finally meet all these precious little Auntie LaLa babies that have been born, prayed for, and loved from afar.

Why am I like this? I don’t know. My Kenyan friend says I am a “light bringer,” born that way. I think I choose it. Because I remember waking up in the hospital room at Triemli in Zürich in September of 2013. It was dark, and I was alone. I knew I’d been brought to the hospital because I couldn’t walk, hell I couldn’t even hold my own head up. I knew, even if I called L…he wouldn’t come. There was no one and nothing to get out of that bed for. It was so dark.

Clearly, I only had one choice.

I had to choose the light.

To reach inside, throw open the windows and get fresh air in. I’m a human being, so it’s easy for me to focus on the reasons why I “can’t do” or why I “don’t want to” or why I “really shouldn’t” but what the hell does that contribute? More darkness. And, I just, as Cooper says in the cutest little British accent, “I just caaaaahn’t.”

So, again, I don’t just say this stuff…I do it. I try. Be a light bringer. I promise, it’s a better life, even when life is tough.

And speaking of “light bringers”…

CSA birthday surprise 2015
CSA birthday surprise 2015

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